proud and ashamed of myself in equal measure
it's been a strange week, in a good way. lots of firsts this week. i've been using my new driver's license (which came in the mail yesterday, so i don't have to use the interim piece of paper) to its full potential. the difference in the photo between my old id from three years ago and my new one is striking - there's a happy glow on my face, my hair falling on my forehead, and my smile reaching my eyes. i look alive.
i just got back from a grocery trip (also got gas today). i never thought i'd feel excited about frozen broccoli, but hey - i want to hold onto that feeling as long as i can. driving at night is so peaceful, and i've been feeling the urge to hit the road when i get stressed out. earlier, i finished my philosophy readings/work (so happy to be taking a philosophy class again!!) for this week and gave my brother a ride to/from uni. i started scheduling everything in google calendar (tasks, deadlines, focused work blocks, meetings) and it's helping a lot. i wish i did it earlier.
yesterday, i impulsively decided to watch project hail mary at the theater, and invited my mom. she hasn't been to the cinema in ages. it was a great movie. i'm trying to inject a little impulsivity in my life. i take everything too seriously.
volunteering this week was kind of tough. there was a new girl shadowing so i felt self-conscious about having her watch me and we had quite a few emotional clients. it was pretty messy, but we sailed through it okay. there were a lot of really sweet and grateful ones too. em started watching the pitt based on my recommendation and she told me she's addicted haha, i'm glad she loved it. my supervisor sent me an email after thanking me for my work and praising me, he's super nice, and i'll miss him when he moves on next month.
law school is looming large over my head, and i still don't feel ready. but i think it's finally starting to jolt me into action, and i'm trying to channel all that nervous energy into bettering myself and building some good habits this spring/summer. my resolution for next month is to go for a run every time i get anxious. i'll be an olympic sprinter in no time.
i feel like i've grown so much over the past two years, and i'm really proud of myself. i'm a far cry from the self-destructive, self-hating kid who just wanted to hide from the world. i still feel like a kid, and i feel ashamed at my relative lack of experience and accomplishments, even compared to my peers. i'm painfully conscious of where i am vs. where i wish i was. but growth takes time. it takes so much time. to borrow and clumsily reuse some words from j s mill i read earlier -
and though their removal is grievously slow [...] every mind sufficiently intelligent and generous to bear a part, however small and unconspicuous, in the endeavour, will draw a noble enjoyment from the contest itself, which he would not for any bribe in the form of selfish indulgence consent to be without.
i'm just trying to keep things moving, like johnny cash said, one piece at a time.