men i (don't) trust

23 Mar, 2026

i have felt the inevitability of a post about (shitty) men like a quiet, sinking dread. it's finally here, and as embarrassing as i thought it would be.

all things considered, i would consider myself relatively lucky in terms of my experiences with men¹, considering what they (and i guess humans in general) are capable of. however, i'm definitely not great at choosing them.

my most recent (fwb) escapade of this type was with a man from my university. i've been reluctant to talk about him or write about him because i felt like he didn't deserve it, but after much reflection, i have decided he does deserve it (derogatory). i should first establish that he is twice my age (we met when i was twenty and he was close to forty). as i once said to one of my friends, this is not a dealbreaker for me (and as that friend responded, it should be). look, do i want to be in a long-term, serious, marriage-on-the-horizon relationship with a man twice my age? no. not really. is fucking around with older men deeply sexy to me? yes. unfortunately. as long as it stays fucking around and nothing more.²

i should clarify that i have been friends with men (hell, people in general) much older than me since i was a teenager, which can be attributed to many factors. some of these relationships were unhealthy, but not invariably so. it might be naive of me, but it isn't something i want to give up. i think older people are incredibly interesting to talk to, and i think being friends with them has made me a better person - more intelligent, more worldly, and more empathetic to people with different experiences.

being friends with anyone has the potential for... well... something more (grimace), but i think my being friends with older men specifically is problematic for a few reasons. simply by virtue of being willing to entertain someone my age, their motives are questionable. by this i mean: they may not be actually interested in me as a person and only interested in taking advantage of my lack of maturity to have a partner they can use for their own purposes. i don't see an older person being attracted to a younger person as inherently problematic, but if the basis of this attraction is a person's age and lack of maturity, i do think that reflects poorly on you as a person.

so, my core struggle with being friends with older men is trying to determine which category they fall under. it would be wrong to assume these are mutually exclusive, but i can certainly catch a vibe. men i trust usually treat me not necessarily as a peer but as a fully formed, autonomous person. they don't demand my attention and let me connect with them on my own time, on my own terms. they aren't constantly concerned as to how they look through my eyes. they don't constantly draw attention to my age, or how "innocent," "cute," or "small," i am. they don't have a hunger to foster dependence on them or change my thinking to be more like them.

men i don't trust are controlling. they expect me to be devoted to them. they want to take more of me, and more of my life - by asking me to move in or stay with them, especially. they are fixated on how my relative lack of maturity and naivety makes them seem more mature and competent in comparison. our dynamic, in these cases, is more based on themselves - their own issues, their own insecurity, and how i can supplement that - than it is on any genuine connection.

things are complicated. i understand that. my attraction to them is partially based on my own issues, my own insecurity, and in the healthiest of dynamics, it feels good to have someone look up to you. i think the best thing i can do is be clear and uncompromising in my own boundaries. it's important i don't buy into the idea that they actually know better than me, especially in situations that affect my own autonomy.