22 yesterday
yesterday was my twenty-second birthday. usually, birthdays are pretty sad occasions for me, but this one was surprisingly peaceful. mundane in a good way. my best friend and i went out for hot pot and watched movies while talking late into the night.
this summer has been a blur of half-asleep morning commutes, inexplicable tears, moldy coffee, my blood in the sink... but i wouldn't trade it for the world. i feel like i'm defrosting. the numbness that i've been feeling since i've been i was a young teenager seems to be slowly disappearing - albeit being replaced with a kind of raw sensitivity that's disorienting. even scary.
i managed to finish my research project (mostly... just have to write the final report), and was able to develop a relationship with my advisor, who invited me to be her research assistant down the line and suggested i try to get published.
i managed to finish my new summer position as an advocate in one piece, while juggling my project, volunteering, and classes, even though things were chaotic at times. i learned so much, including how to let go of my clients when i'm not on the clock.
i'm started to accept myself, including how i look physically... slowly trying to clear up the resentment i feel towards myself for being too tired, too weak, too fragile, too apathetic. i'm done being ashamed of my scars and my relationship to pain. i'm trying to visualize myself and long-term peace & happiness together.
i've been able to connect a lot better with my friends by opening up to them, and met some new cool people too.
my thanks to deadlock, especially drifter, who has been my reprieve and form of escapism through many months of feeling like i'm getting beaten up to grow stronger. yesterday i received 3 (!!!) drawings and paintings of him from my artist friends of him as birthday gifts, and it made me so happy. it's kind of weird to be so attached to a character who is basically bloodthirst embodied, but it is what it is - lately, to me, he represents just letting myself be - an unapologetic freak. @_@
hopefully i will have something more profound to write later this summer, but for the first time in a while, i feel like i have earned a rest.